Can you remember the last time when you went from “just fine” to “absolutely livid” in seconds?! I had one of those moments just a few days ago. Being livid in seconds because of something that happened is referred to as being “emotionally hijacked” in Emotional Intelligence (EI) terms. Emotional Intelligence(Ei) in case you need a quick refresher is the capacity to effectively perceive, express, understand and manage our emotions and the emotions of others in an effective and appropriate manner. I consider myself a pretty “emotionally intelligent” person, after all, I speak and teach on the subject. Unfortunately, I would give myself a C minus on how well I handled myself when I was “emotionally hijacked” recently so writing this article is a good refresher.
When we are “emotionally hijacked” it means an event triggers a strong emotional response and biology prepares us to fight (yell, blame, make excuses), flee (storm out, withdraw, shutdown) or freeze (not react at all). Perhaps you notice your default style in one of those three descriptions. Chemicals for the fight, flight or freeze response, like adrenaline, inhibit our prefrontal-cortex, the part of the brain responsible for IQ and rational thought. At that point, a part of our brain called the amygdala is running the show. When we have a strong emotional reaction with limited prefrontal-cortex processing, that’s being “emotionally hijacked.” So our negative emotions are running the show with very little thinking involved – not a good situation. When you’ve been emotionally hijacked, the goal is to be able to choose your response rather than react based on strong negative emotions.
My story is I was renting a car and the person at the counter said to choose any car in lot area 1. When I went outside, one of the two cars in lot 1 was a convertible. I thought, “Wow, that’s awesome!” as I loaded one bag into the front seat and the other bag into the trunk. Upon leaving, the attendant said, “Wait a moment.” Then the rental car agent from the counter came out, stood in front of the car and shouted, “Get out of the car! You are not authorized for that car!” WHAT?! He was the one who told me to take any car in lot 1, which is exactly what I did. I was FURIOUS! As he was getting me another car, oblivious to what I was saying about him causing this problem, I said, “The least you could do was help me with my bags!” So he loaded the bag from the front seat of the convertible into the other rental car and I drove off in a huff. As you collect your thoughts and reactions to that scenario, let me go back to managing an emotional hijack.
The first step in managing an emotional hijack is the self-awareness to recognize you’ve been hijacked. The signs include noticing a physical sensation such as increased heart beat or tightness. The reaction is as unique as the individual experiencing it. For me, I experience an immediate rush of heat. What’s important is to recognize your physical sensations because they signal that you’re having a strong emotional reaction before your rational brain even recognizes what’s going on. You will also notice strong emotions such as anger, frustration, or hurt. In my case, I felt the familiar rush of heat, my palms got sweaty, and I was VERY angry. I recognized the physical sensations and emotions and I knew I’d been hijacked. But recognizing when you are hijacked is only step one.
The second step in effectively managing an emotional hijack is to react constructively. The SOSS model is a tool that can help you react positively to a strong emotional reaction.
SOSS Model
S – Stop. The point of stopping or pausing is to take yourself out of the situation so that you can come back into it from a calmer place. Try the old standby of counting to ten. I also recommend to my clients that they have water with them if they imagine an interaction is going to be particularly intense. Just pausing to take a sip of water can give you the seconds you need to stop and proceed with the rest of this model without saying something you might regret.
O – Oxygenate. During a hijack, blood is directed to the main parts of our body to prepare it to fight or flee. Our breathing becomes shorter and we lose our ability to manage ourselves effectively because blood is being diverted away from our brain. Taking a few deep breaths minimizes the effect of the chemicals in your system and tells your body, “everything is okay, you can turn off the adrenaline now.”
S – Strengthen appreciation. Research shows that appreciation soothes our amygdala better than any other emotion. An “Appreciation Anchor” is a moment in your life that you can easily recall where you felt deep appreciation or gratitude. Appreciating someone or something releases endorphins that soothe the amygdala. The thinking aspect of appreciation helps to engage your rational prefrontal-cortex, the thinking part of the brain. For me, I imagine one of my cats in my lap purring as I’m petting him; that’s one of my mental happy places and I’m feeling calmer already.
S – Seek information. Seeking information involves asking questions to help you better understand the situation and your own reactions. Examples include: “Tell me more about that” or “Can you share with me what prompted this?” Be careful to avoid asking a question that is really attempting to blame the other person or attempt to show you are right. Paraphrase what you heard the other person say. This forces you to listen and engages the rational thinking part of your brain and the rational, thinking part of the other person’s brain.
So back to my story. If you followed along closely, you already know that I was missing the bag I put in the trunk. The rental car agent didn’t know I had a bag in the trunk and I was so angry I forgot all about it. It took twenty minutes of me driving down the road to calm down enough to realize I’d left the bag. Fortunately, when I returned, the convertible was still there as was my bag in the trunk. Things could have turned out very differently had I practiced the SOSS model enough to engage the thinking part of my brain before I left the rental car lot.
We all live and learn and when it comes to understanding and managing our emotions and the emotions of others effectively, it’s a life long journey for each of us.
If you’d like to learn more about Emotional Intelligence please contact me.